I am a very realistic, calculating person in all aspects of my life, including the romance department.  I always like to be–need to be–in control.  So when I see several of my friends making fools out of themselves and being miserable because of love, I just don’t understand it.

I’ve never actually been in love before.  I’ve had some strong attractions, but never made it to the next emotional level.  I’m only 20, after all, and no guy has caught my interest long enough to even date seriously.  But even though I’ve never experienced it myself, I’ve seen enough of it around me to justify having a strong opinion about it.

I’m very much a no-nonsense, take-your-bs-and-shove-it kind of person, so when the flame of a crush or an actual relationship dies out, that’s the end, as far as I’m concerned.  If I’m the one who lost interest, I’m not going to waste time with him, hoping that maybe the spark will come back.  If it died, it died for a reason, and it’s time to move on.  If he’s the one who lost interest, I’m not about to go follow him around like a lost puppy desperate for his attention and under the delusion that ‘maybe if he sees me one more time or if I do something to get his attention then he’ll fall in love with me.’  Please.  I have too much self-respect and dignity for that.

I’m also a very independent person, and can’t see myself getting into a relationship with a clingy guy–or becoming one of those annoying clingy girlfriends!  I don’t need or want to see you every day, especially in the beginning, and I’m going to go out with my friends and do my own thing, and you’re just going to have to deal with that.

Knowing all that, isn’t it understandable that I find myself perplexed by people in relationships where one or both of them doesn’t really like the other any more, but would rather be in an unhappy relationship than single?  Or by the people who put their lives on hold to obsess over that one person who is clearly not interested in them at all?  Or the people who don’t break up simply because they’ve become accustomed to spending all their time together and have secluded themselves so that all they have is each other?

I’ve been told (mainly by guys that I’ve ended things with, but also by some “well meaning” friends) that my cold, realistic mentality will lose me the chance to ever fall in love.  They say that if I don’t give up some control and be willing to compromise, then love will pass me by.  What they don’t seem to get is that I want a challenge.  I don’t want a guy who’s desperate for attention and doesn’t have a life of his own.  I want a strong guy who will make me want to compromise, want to make time in my busy schedule for him, instead of just telling me I should.  And I want to make him feel the same way.

Maybe I’m living in a fantasy world–life rarely happens the way you imagine, after all–and maybe one day I’ll be one of those girls I don’t understand, who sacrifices her self-worth and happiness for ‘love.’  But….maybe by holding out until I find what I’m looking for, instead of settling for the first thing that throws itself at me…..maybe I’ll be the one happiest and most in love of all.  Guess we’ll just have to wait and see 😉


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