Well, I’m back in NYC now….and I’m feeling surprisingly okay with that. I wasn’t happy to come back, and as I’m typing this I’m welling up a little, but hey, at least I’m not bawling like I have the past few times…. Still haven’t decided if I’m mentally/emotionally well enough to go into work tomorrow though….probably not. It’s not like we’re doing anything majorly important right now anyway, and I’d rather unpack, relax, and readjust.
This whole day was def an emotional roller coaster. In the morning, me and mom picked up the kids from Grandma’s and drove over to the Arch in STL. We had gone yesterday, but the tram was sold out, so we bought tickets for lunch-time today. I haven’t been up there since before college, and it was just like I remembered. View’s changed a bit, though….but more on that in another post.
So, we have fun, then head back home for a late lunch. I spend my last few hours playing games with Syd and trying not to cry. I actually succeeded, until the very end. We were getting ready to go, and I went in the bathroom so my fam wouldn’t see me welling up, but my sis followed me and asked me why I was sad. I told her it was because I didn’t want to leave her, so she ran off and told mom that I needed to stay. When mom told her I had to go, she started crying too. It was the most pitiful, sad thing ever. She came back and we hugged and cuddled and I tried to make her feel better. She held my hand the whole way to the airport, and started crying again when we got there.
I think her crying is what made it better for me. Not that I want her to cry–you should see how much I spoil that kid–but in the past I was always afraid that she would forget me when I left. That fear was justified, as she was only one when I started college, and in the beginning, she would forget me in a way. It wasn’t until this past summer that she really remembered me and wanted to talk and wanted me to come home. Now that I know she really wants me to stay and loves me and knows me and has no chance of forgetting me, it makes it more bearable. That, and the fact that this is the last year I have to do this. I will come back in May and leave again, then come back in December and stay. For good. A year can feel like forever, but it can also feel like the blink of an eye. I’m hoping for the latter. Or, at least, somewhere in-between.
As if this wasn’t enough emotion packed into one day, we got an email while at the Arch from my aunt, saying that the doctors had given baby cousin Savannah only days, maybe even only hours. They think her liver’s failing. We got an update that she’s somewhat stabilized, but nowhere near in the clear yet. Test results won’t come back for two days. And even if she holds out that long, there’s a good chance the test results will show that nothing can be done except to make her comfortable. As much of a realist as I am, I’m hoping that she’ll somehow find some way to make it. I would love to spend a few more days with my family, but not because I’ve flown home for a baby’s funeral.