Over it

Well, I deactivated fb towards the beginning of the month, but reactivated it last week because I felt bad that my Austrian friends had no other way to contact me.  I sent a message to Roland (he’s Bernadette’s bf, and no, EK, I am not trying to steal him away, but Bernadette hasn’t been on since she created it during the summer.  Stop rolling your eyes, it’s the truth lol) and to Emily, giving them my email.  I haven’t really gone on fb much at all since I reactivated it.  I think not having it in my bookmarks or having the app on my phone is why.  I mean, it was one of those things that I would just click on automatically whenever I felt the least bit bored or indecisive about what to do.

Anyway, I haven’t decided if I’ll just leave it like this so that people can contact me if they need to, or if I’m going to re-deactivate it after the two get my messages.  I went on today just to see if they had gotten them yet and maybe not replied for some reason.  Roland hadn’t been on–not surprising, he usually only checks like once a month I think–but Emily’s been on twice since I sent it, and has sent no reply.  Not even a “hey, I got your message” one line thing.  I think she realized over the break how distant I’ve been and has decided that she’s over this friendship too.  Or maybe it’s because we had that political discussion in which she realized that my “I’m a logical, fact-driven business person and don’t see the world from an emotional personal POV” thing isn’t an act.  I get that she’s a hippie tree hugger (this is actually one of my nickname’s for her that she’s quite proud of), but is seeing the political world in a different way really a reason to let a friendship go?  We rarely talk politics–because I know we differ–and got along for years just fine, even though our perspectives haven’t really changed with time, because we did have a lot of other things in common.  But maybe we got on so well because she thought I was just….idk…pretending to be somewhat cold-hearted.  A bit naive of her.

On the one hand, I don’t really care, since I’ve done just fine not talking to her since right after Xmas, and only spoke to her like five times the entire fall semester, but on the other hand, at least there was a little interesting drama going on in my life when she pretended like she cared…..  Okay, let me clarify why I’m slightly disappointed at the lack of drama, given how I’ve often mentioned how I detest drama.  For one thing, I was in complete control of this drama.  I’m not one of those girls who creates drama without knowing it.  I knew what I was doing, and kept it at the minimum–just enough to be interesting. And as long as there was drama, it meant that we were talking, and there was a chance to salvage the friendship.  It would never be as close, but there’s no reason why we couldn’t talk once in a while and hang out when we happened to be in the same city.  You’re probably wondering why, if I wanted to save it, did I let it deteriorate?  Well, that’s simple.  It’s the same reason I’ve been stating all along–one way friendships are no fun.  Sure, I wanted to save it, but I needed her to want to save it too.  Apparently she doesn’t.  Disappointing.

I kind of wonder what will happen after I move back home, though.  She’s not sure where she’ll end up.  If she marries this Zach kid like she’s thinking about (though he doesn’t seem too interested….) she might go to Wisconsin with him, or they might stay around the southern-IL/STL area.  If they stay in the area, is she going to keep ignoring me?  Or will she try to pretend like nothing ever happened and contact me whenever she’s bored?  I guess the only thing to do is wait and see.  I’m sure by now she feels like this is a one-sided friendship with her doing all the work, but if she had just shown a little bit of interest throughout the last two years of this thing, it wouldn’t have had to come to this.

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