Biggest fear

Valentine’s Day is viewed in many lights.  Some people love it, some people hate it, some people (like me) are indifferent and don’t see it as a “holiday” at all.  But for one of my casual acquaintances, V-Day has a much darker meaning.  You see, it was right around V-Day that her mom succumbed to cancer two or three years ago.  She broadcast it all over fb at the time, and on the anniversaries.  I would never do that, but people grieve differently, so I’m not going to judge her for it.   Anyway, I’m not on fb this year, but it was mentioned one of our mutual friends and, as usual, it made me think about my own situation and how lucky I am.  After all, losing my mom is my greatest fear.

In many ways, I’m really lucky that my mom had me as young as she did.  She’s only 38, so she’s still got over half her life left, and it’s easier for us to relate to each other.  She’s my best friend, and I can’t imagine losing her.

It’s not that I can’t live without her—I’m basically 100% self-dependent—but that I would never want to.  Obviously I know that we’re human, and all humans die, but that shouldn’t happen for another 40+ years.  It won’t be any easier then, but at least it’ll be expected.  The thought of losing her now, when I’m only 20, in an accident or to a disease scares the hell out of me.   Literally.  If I think about it too much, I start feeling like I’m having a panic attack.

What’s really sad is that I know there are some people who don’t have such a great relationship with their parents—some of them barely talk, or when they do they fight—and I can’t help but pity them.  As the old quote states: “Friends come and go, but family is forever.”  Can you imagine not having your family as a constant support system, always there no matter what happens?  I can’t.

I haven’t really mentioned my dad here, but it’s not because I wouldn’t miss him.  I would, but he’s not the one I chat on the phone with every week, or go on vacation with, or look forward to hanging out with one on one when I’m home.  I love him, he loves me, but it’s not the same as me and my mom.  Must be a girl thing.


2 Responses to “Biggest fear”

  1. kive87 Says:

    I completely agree! My mom is my best friend too and I couldn’t imagine living without her either it’s kind of why I don’t want kids for fear that I’d die when they’re young of vice versa.

  2. AC Says:

    My mom isn’t my best friend, but one of my biggest fears is that she dies without us ever being best friends.

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