Random Introspection and Observations

1.  I hate LJB.  Not just the company, but the person too.  I realized it today when I just wanted to snap whenever he came near me: it’s been like that for a while.  This is because whenever he is talking to me he’s usually a) trying to micromanage, which I absolutely hate; or b) wasting my time (like when he asks me to scan something when I don’t have a scanner at my desk but 4 other people do, one of whom he has to walk right by to get to me….I don’t mind the work, it’s the principle….).  Now, hate is a strong word, but anything less doesn’t seem to quite cover the emotions I feel……but I obv can’t show it, because he does still sign my paycheck and has the power to give me a raise….. 😉

2.  I have no compassion.  I’m reading all these stories about teens who killed themselves because of bullies, and I really can’t find it in me to feel bad for them.  Maybe it’s because we didn’t really have bullies at my school (there were some “mean kids” of course, but they were outcasts, not the popular people) and because I have super high self-esteem, but I just think that killing yourself because of what other people say or do is weak.  I know I should feel sorry for them, but I just can’t.  In my mind, suicide is stupid and anyone who thinks it’s a good solution is pathetic.  Harsh?  Probably.  But it’s what I think.

3.  As noted in #2, I have super high self-esteem.  My prof yesterday was talking about how competition breeds excellence, and being in a class as large as ours (80ish students) must make us all feel really competitive and I was just thinking “yeah right, why do I need to compete against these people?”  I have my own personal standards and if I live up to them, I’ll outcompete 98% of the class.  The other 2% are only better because I didn’t put in the effort I needed to tie or beat them or, as is the case in this class, they’re in their mid-20s and have worked on Wall Street for a few years, so of course they know more about certain economic/finance things than I do. I’ve honestly never tried my hardest and gotten less than what I wanted.  The couple Bs and Cs I’ve gotten in college were because I wasn’t willing to put in the effort, not because I wasn’t capable.

4.  Solitaire is an addicting game.  I got the free version on my iPhone and tend to play it whenever I get bored in class or when people ask stupid questions (which is quite often) and I have to force myself to stop and pay attention.

5.  I need intellectual stimulation.  That’s one main reason why I dislike this job so much.  I know paper-pushing is a “rite of passage” and all that, but it doesn’t help that I know I’ll never get higher than this here.  Even though my theater mgmt job was fairly routine and I knew exactly what I was going to be doing and when, there was some variation based on business, so it did require a little thought, and I was free to move around and do what I pleased (a perk of being trusted and reliable lol) so I didn’t get a sense of drudgery.  This is also why I’m learning Russian.  Yes, I like it, but it’s also the mental challenge that I’ve yet to get in college.  Some of my classes have been kind of difficult, but not many and not for long (and they would have been much easier if I’d opened the textbooks….).  Like all the intro-mgmt classes I’m taking this semester are common sense to me.  Don’t be a dictator.  Be ethical.  Be culturally sensitive.  Etc, etc.  Well, duh.

6.  The history nerd in me is alive and well.  When I heard that the Discovery Center in Times Sq is about to open a King Tut exhibit, I was excited.  I’ve always had a soft spot for Ancient Egypt lol.

7.  Eight months from yesterday I’ll be attending my last day of undergraduate classes…….creepy.

8.  I dislike social norms that advocate vices.  While I know that many social norms are necessary for society to function, certain ones need to go away.  Like how my friend turned 21 last week so she went out and got wasted Friday, Sat, and Sun, and while I knew that I would have absolutely not enjoyed it, I almost feel like that’s what I should have done for my 21st.  I quickly get over the feeling, but I still feel it…..

9.  I curse too much.  I used to curse a lot, then I pretty much stopped because I realized how uneducated it makes you sound, but I’ve recently started up again.  I blame NYC and LJB, and I really need to make a conscious effort to stop.  A well placed ‘fuck,’ ‘damn,’ ’bitch,’ or ‘hell,’ can do wonders to get a point across, and but using it more than sparingly is a no-no.  And even those phrases have times and places.

10.  I need to get my hair cut again….but maybe not until August.  It’s long enough to be pulled back now, so that’s what I do.  But it’s humid in the summer and I hate friz, so I might have to wait a while…..oh, and I’m def not getting it cut up here because you have to pay soooooo much more for sooooo much less, quality-wise.  Unless you go somewhere like Chinatown, and I don’t trust those people……

Amendment: LJB just agreed to give me a raise, so I feel really bad about saying I hate him now…..if I’m honest, it’s not so much hate as just being frustrated with how he runs things.  But he’s the boss and it’s his money and his business, so I don’t really have a place to criticize.  Micromanaging is just what he does and it’s not likely to change.  I can’t even really blame him since a lot of people he hires don’t work unless they’re micromanaged. It’s still frustrating though……


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