Looks like I missed the first birthday of my blog by about five days….that’s not too bad right? lol Honestly I didn’t think I’d make it this long. I started it because EK had one, but I figured I’d get bored after a while. I mean, I was never able to keep a diary, and I thought a blog would be the same. Apparently not….. 😀
Well, here’s hoping it can go another year!
I probably come off on this blog as incredibly self-confident, because I am incredibly self-confident, but even the most self-confident people have fears, and one of mine deals with relationships. I’ve always been guarded with my emotions; I’ve never really told anyone everything about me. For each friend I have, I know there are certain topics I should just steer clear of for the sake of harmony, or I alter my views to be more suitable if a controversial topic is unavoidable. Everyone has their secrets, and I’m no different, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone I could share all of my secrets with (well, almost all, anyway. A girl has to keep a few…).
But at the same time, it’s terrifying laying all your emotions out for someone to see. If someone knows your inner thoughts and feelings, it’s that much easier for them to hurt you. They’ll know exactly what words will hit home the hardest, and what will make you cry. Just because I trust them when I open up doesn’t mean they won’t betray me later. I’m not one of those girls who thinks that all men are scum, and I’m not a bitter, untrusting bitch, I just have high walls and I don’t really know how to let them down. I’m used to taking care of myself, so the idea of letting someone else in scares me.
Idk, I guess I’m just terrified that if I fall in love with someone and open up, they might hurt me without meaning to. Or worse, intentionally. But I guess that’s supposed to be part of falling in love….finding someone who makes the reward seem so much greater than the fear.
In high school, I ran with a crowd who didn’t care much for boys. None of us really dated, mainly because we’d known the boys in our classes since grade school and they still seemed like immature children to us. Not that we were ohso mature and wise, but, as girls, we were a bit more grown up than they were. Even during senior year, when acquaintances had been in relationships for a year or more and were planning weddings, only a couple in the group dated. Things began to change after we graduated and went our separate ways. Some of the girls are in serious relationships, a couple are married (one just got married about 3 hours ago….), and only a couple of us are still single.
I’ve never really felt the need to be in a relationship. I don’t need a man to make me whole or to transform my life from dull to exciting. I’ve always been happy being single (though I’ve gone on several first and second dates, just to see), and even used to think I’d never get married.
But lately things have changed. I’m still happy with me, still perfectly fine with being single, but I find myself longing for a meaningful relationship (and a wedding…..lol). I think I really just want someone to laugh with and have fun with and…well, experience life with. Not to say I can’t do that with my girlfriends, but it’s just….not the same.
This started before M’s wedding, but ever since then it’s gotten worse. Like I said, I’m not depressed that I’m single, but I’m starting to want something more. M thinks I’m in “nesting mode” due to the sudden reappearance of my love of cooking and baking, and the desire to find a “mate.” It’s all hormonal, he says, and he’s seen it before. I have to say, I’m tempted to agree. Humans are evolutionarily designed to pair off, and we get the added benefit of being emotionally attached to our partners, rather than having sex just for procreation. I’m getting to the point in my life when I’m most fertile, so it seems natural that my hormones would start the “biological countdown,” even though I’m years away from the end.
I think this is another reason why I can’t wait to get back to STL. I don’t do long-distance, so there’s no point in looking for someone up here, even if I could find the rare NYer who is my type. But as soon as I get back home, all bets are off. Southern Illinois is filled with nice, white, Midwestern guys I can get along with, so it’s all a matter of weeding out the weak and finding the one who compliments my personality, then getting hitched before I lose my youthful beauty 😉
For whatever reason, EK loves to introduce me to really fatty, addictive foods. Yesterday she took me to Stand and we got toasted marshmallow milkshakes. O.M.G. Words cannot describe how delicious these sweet, creamy drinks are. They’re a bit pricey, but totally worth it. It would be a crime to be in the Union Square area and not get one.
Just to give a clue about how good they are….I actually had a dream about them last night. I was getting one to go and the guy was telling me that because of the to-go cup, I had to decide if I wanted more shake with no marshmallows on top, or marshmallows on top with less shake. It felt like the hardest decision of my life and the dream ended before I chose 😀
As anyone who’s been following my blog knows, Em and I used to be bffs, but have been growing apart lately, especially after she went to France. Even though she was all buddy-buddy when we saw each other at Xmas, she went right back to the “out of sight, out of mind” thing with me literally as soon as she returned to France. I wouldn’t be offended if she was like this with everyone, but she’s obsessed with her Westminster friends, so it’s a little hurtful. I think what annoys me the most is that she won’t admit that we’ve grown apart. Whenever we talk, she ignores that she’s ignored me, never apologizes, and then wants to be bffs when we’re both home, but it doesn’t work like that for me.
What prompted this post was an email I sent to Em at the beginning of June asking when she’d be back and trying to set up a Skype or phone date. She never replied. I knew she was spending some of June with her mom in Europe, so I thought maybe that’s why she hadn’t responded, but lo and behold, when I reactivated my fb for five minutes for the first time in weeks, I find out that she’s already back. She’s been back. For over 10 days.
Idk if she thinks I’m stupid and I won’t find out, or if she honestly doesn’t care what her old friends think. I say ‘old friends’ and not just me because she hasn’t contacted Kim or any of our other high school friends either. But she’s all over her Westminster people. Like I said, I know we’ve grown apart, but would it kill her to write a two sentence email saying “hey I’m back, we should talk sometime.” She doesn’t even have to set up a date if she doesn’t really want to talk, but is it too much to acknowledge my existence? Maybe it is. I mean, we’ve only been bffs since 6th grade…..not like 10 years is a long time or anything….
I think Em’s the reason I can kind of relate to EK’s situation with SD. She wants to let him go (well, not really, more like knows she needs to) but can’t because even after he ignores her or pisses her off, he’ll come back all nice and sweet later on. That’s what Em does. Whenever I’m in NY, I don’t matter, but as soon as I get back to IL, I’m suddenly her bff again, and it’s getting really, really old.