This is the last post I’ll write while in NY for a long time…..and it’s really depressing. Yesterday was bad for multiple reasons. First of all, I had my last final, which was really a group presentation. In my group of 6 people, there were two of us who were competent, one who was half-way competent, and three who were completely hopeless and made more work for everyone else. We had stayed late Monday night putting everything together and planning how the presentation would run. Come Tuesday night…..I’m the only one prepared. Everyone else was pretty much reading straight from their slides and screwing up. The guy who was supposed to be changing my slides decided not to pay attention (not surprising, since he didn’t pay attention to which portion of the paper he was supposed to write and therefore produced nothing we could use….) so I had to stop talking, go over to the computer, and move the slides myself. Then we had a role play during the presentation and at the end, one of the girls is like “and that’s our presentation”…..which would have been a crappy conclusion on its own, but was even crappier because it wasn’t supposed to be the end. But apparently she forgot to pay attention too. Luckily the grade for the “final” is based on the training manual (a 25 page paper which we two competent people heavily edited), and an individual grade from the presentation. Hopefully the professor will pick up on who was ready and who was not, and will take the peer evaluations into account.
But that was just the beginning of the bad night. I’d been depressed the past few days (or weeks….) because I was leaving, and yesterday was no different. My last day at work was pretty normal, though. LJB was in Puerto Rico, so I only had to deal with SJG annoying me—which he did a lot. JChin forgot it was my last day, Jackie reminded her in the middle of the day, and then she forgot again and left without saying goodbye. Oh well, I’ll get over it lol. I actually only said goodbye to Jelisa and SJG, and only to SJG because his office is on the way out. Marc was annoyed for me that no one seemed to care that I was leaving, but I honestly expected nothing else. This office is not exactly known for appreciating their good employees. They’ll miss me during the busy season though….
Anyway, Marc and I decided to meet up after my final and go get dinner at a diner by my school. I think neither one of us was ready to say goodbye at work. Dinner was fine….for a while. But at the very end I started tearing up, which freaked him out (because he’s a guy and he doesn’t know how to handle tears, even though I warned him it was coming). I would get it under control for a few minutes and then another wave would hit me. I’m not the sobbing type (especially in public) so my crying is typically just quiet tears, which means that, luckily, other people didn’t really notice.
Marc’s original plan (I think) was to stay with me until I had to go to the airport, at like 3 in the morning, if I wanted him to, but his wife called and needed him to run some urgent errands (she had forgotten wrapping paper for her secret santa gifts the next day…and she’s too helpless to go out and get it herself, even though she only lives six blocks away from Marc so it’s not like she was in the boonies of Brooklyn….) so we had to go after a couple hours. I felt this overwhelming urge not to go back to my apartment. Even though I was fighting off tears and therefore sad while with Marc, somehow I felt that it just wouldn’t be real until I went back to my apartment and finished the last-minute packing. I think I freaked Marc out when I told him that I didn’t know where I was going to go, because he made me stop in the middle of the sidewalk while he tried to figure out what the hell to do. I think he resigned himself to the fact that I wouldn’t go home until I felt ready, and I just wasn’t ready yet. So we went down into the subway station and he tried to make me feel better while I tried not to cry any more. The train came after 10 or 15 minutes, and I rode it one stop to Union Square. After I got out of the train I couldn’t look back because I had just gotten myself under control, and I did not want to lose it again. I walked around Union Square in the dark and freezing cold for a while before realizing that avoiding going home was not going to change anything, and probably the best thing I could do was go home, finish packing, and try to take a nap before I had to leave. Sleeping always calms me down, whereas not sleeping makes me an emotional wreck.
So I went home, finished packing, and tried to take a two hour nap. I dozed for a while, but finally just decided to get up and go to the airport. I took the subway one stop to the bus, but ended up taking a cab because the bus decided not to stop and the next one wasn’t due for half an hour. It was surprisingly crowded at the airport, you know, for it being 4:30am, but luckily I got through security relatively quickly and am now waiting to board the flight that I really don’t want to board. I can only hope that my emotions will do a complete 180 once I actually am home, because right now I am not up to acting like I’m happy to be there.