It’s been a rough week, emotionally speaking. I thought I’d be bouncing off the walls ready to go back to STL for good (or, at least for a couple years); instead, I feel like crying because I don’t want to leave. Then I feel even worse for not being excited to see my family. My mom asked me tonight if I was sad to leave NYC. I said yes with no hesitation. Then she asked me if I was excited to come home. My response should have also been yes, but it ended up being “ummm…yeah, a little. I’m sure it’ll be better when I get there.” She pointed out that I don’t have to leave NY, which is when I told her my plan of working for a couple years, getting my MBA in Chicago or NY, and then moving back to the City. I’d never mentioned it before because a) it’s a relatively new plan, and b) I didn’t want to upset her.
I feel horrible, because my family has been so excited for me to come home. Up until a few months ago, I was excited too. But, up until a few months ago, it didn’t feel real. Whenever I would go home for a visit, I would dread having to leave, and would literally cry myself to sleep the last couple nights before returning to NY. Now the situation is flipped, and I’m really not prepared to deal with it. It’s not that I don’t love my family; I love them more than anything. But…there’s nothing else for me in STL. There aren’t any career prospects or any exciting things to do (not that I lived a wild life in NYC by any means, but I’ve gotten used to always having something to do on the weekends). The most I can hope for is a husband, and even that’s iffy, because I didn’t realize until I left the area just how sheltered STL people are.
Mom thought I was upset because I was coming home to no job, but that’s not it at all. I just got my bonus from work, along with a paycheck, I’m going to get my $800 security deposit back on Tuesday, and my tax refund will be coming in February because I always do taxes early. So, I’m not worried about not being able to pay bills. I’ll go back to the theater before I let it get close to that. What’s upsetting is that I have a whole life up here now, and it’s hard to leave. I’ll miss the places, obv, but I’ll miss the people more. M is like my bff. I can talk to him about anything and he completely understands me. I’ve never had that before. And of course I’ll miss EK and her shenanigans…..and JChin’s fun too. Three people might not seem like enough to get all emotional over, but I keep a small group of close friends, so three is a lot for me.
I spent this morning finishing up the packing process. You never realize how much crap you’ve accumulated until you try to pack all of it up. I threw away like four kitchen trash bags of stuff (in my defense, most of it was school related or boxes that I should have thrown out long ago or things like that). Now my room looks so….empty. All that’s left is the stuff I need to use between today and 3am Wednesday morning. In 51 hours, my flight will touch down in STL. And I’m not happy about it.