Just when I had figured out how to arrange a visit to LJB while simultaneously avoiding M, he decided to send me an email. For my future reference, (and EK’s amusement, because she makes a cameo lol) our awkward, stilted convo follows:
Marc: i know i’m not your most favorite person to hear from right now but i woke up from a dream last night and i couldn’t really fall back asleep or shake it.
its the same recurring dream i’ve had for 2 straight nights already and it just felt strange.
two nights ago, the dream involved EK being back at work here and me over-hearing her begging you to come back to work with her…
last night, the dream involved you screaming at me (lol) that you were never coming back to work here…thats all i can remember before it woke me up at like 3am.
anyway, i just wanted to give you some words of encouragement (not that you ever needed it) but don’t despair, just keep at it and somebody will be lucky enough to take a chance on you and give you a job.
i don’t expect you to reply at all
please don’t do it out of pity or anything like that.
i’d like to keep whatever dignity i have left.
take care of yourself
Me: I’m not exactly mad at you, you know. I’m just so frustrated with all the drama. I didn’t like ignoring you for over two weeks, but it was either do that or bicker and fight about the same things every other day. I don’t want to let two years of friendship end like this, but I don’t know how to fix it.
And I have a job. I don’t feel like talking about the details right now, but suffice to say it pays decently and it’s not at the theater.
Marc: it was my yahoo horoscope today that made me reach out to you
Me: It’s def appropriate, but we still haven’t figured out how to deal with it.
Sidenote: The horoscope was “You can’t avoid dealing with the problem between you and a friend any longer.”
Marc: As they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day but we will figure it out.
when did you get the job?
Me: Maybe. I hope so.
Not long ago. I don’t start for a couple weeks.
Marc: i had just wanted to check in with you since i was having those dreams for the past 2 nights…its funny that you actually did find a job, i’m really happy for you!
Me: Thanks. So what happens now? I don’t want to go back to fighting all the time
He hasn’t replied yet. The weird thing is that this convo happened between 10am and 8:30pm. He took forever to respond (though I wasn’t exactly jumping to hit the reply button either). Maybe it’s because, like me, he doesn’t know what to say. It felt sooooo awkward. I didn’t really want to be talking to him (hence the unwillingness to go into details about the job and the short, concise emails). I was already way past sick of the drama when we stopped talking, and the fact that there had been so much drama made the past two drama-free weeks even more amazing. I don’t see where anything’s changed. Maybe not next week, maybe not even next month, but eventually we’re going to fight the same old fights again. I doubt he’s gotten over me in such a short time. Maybe he’s realized that I’m serious about not wanting to hear non-platonic stuff from him, but if it’s still there under the surface, it’ll boil over sooner or later. Knowing that, I have to wonder, is it even worth it? Right now, I don’t think it is. But, we’ll see.