He’s back….

Just when I had figured out how to arrange a visit to LJB while simultaneously avoiding M, he decided to send me an email.  For my future reference, (and EK’s amusement, because she makes a cameo lol) our awkward, stilted convo follows:


Marc: i know i’m not your most favorite person to hear from right now but i woke up from a dream last night and i couldn’t really fall back asleep or shake it.

its the same recurring dream i’ve had for 2 straight nights already and it just felt strange.

two nights ago, the dream involved EK being back at work here and me over-hearing her begging you to come back to work with her…

last night, the dream involved you screaming at me (lol) that you were never coming back to work here…thats all i can remember before it woke me up at like 3am.

anyway, i just wanted to give you some words of encouragement (not that you ever needed it) but don’t despair, just keep at it and somebody will be lucky enough to take a chance on you and give you a job.

i don’t expect you to reply at all
please don’t do it out of pity or anything like that.
i’d like to keep whatever dignity i have left.

take care of yourself

Me: I’m not exactly mad at you, you know.  I’m just so frustrated with all the drama. I didn’t like ignoring you for over two weeks, but it was either do that or bicker and fight about the same things every other day.  I don’t want to let two years of friendship end like this, but I don’t know how to fix it.

And I have a job.  I don’t feel like talking about the details right now, but suffice to say it pays decently and it’s not at the theater.
Marc: it was my yahoo horoscope today that made me reach out to you
Sidenote: Wtf?
Me: It’s def appropriate, but we still haven’t figured out how to deal with it.
Sidenote: The horoscope was “You can’t avoid dealing with the problem between you and a friend any longer.”
Marc: As they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day but we will figure it out.

when did you get the job?

Me: Maybe. I hope so.
Not long ago. I don’t start for a couple weeks.
Marc: i had just wanted to check in with you since i was having those dreams for the past 2 nights…its funny that you actually did find a job, i’m really happy for you!
Me: Thanks.  So what happens now?  I don’t want to go back to fighting all the time
He hasn’t replied yet.  The weird thing is that this convo happened between 10am and 8:30pm.  He took forever to respond (though I wasn’t exactly jumping to hit the reply button either).  Maybe it’s because, like me, he doesn’t know what to say. It felt sooooo awkward.  I didn’t really want to be talking to him (hence the unwillingness to go into details about the job and the short, concise emails).  I was already way past sick of the drama when we stopped talking, and the fact that there had been so much drama made the past two drama-free weeks even more amazing.  I don’t see where anything’s changed.  Maybe not next week, maybe not even next month, but eventually we’re going to fight the same old fights again.  I doubt he’s gotten over me in such a short time.  Maybe he’s realized that I’m serious about not wanting to hear non-platonic stuff from him, but if it’s still there under the surface, it’ll boil over sooner or later.  Knowing that, I have to wonder, is it even worth it?  Right now, I don’t think it is.  But, we’ll see.

98 Days

That’s how long I was without a job.  December 22nd – March 3oth.  Several times during that period, I thought I would go insane.  Several times during that period, I had phone screenings, first interviews, second interviews, and thought I’d nabbed a job.  Several times during that period, I was wrong.  But not today 🙂

The job is hardly a dream job: it’s a Claims Rep/Investigator at AAA.  I’ll basically be taking in auto claims, investigating them, getting statements and documents, and awarding compensation.  So it’s like the auto insurance version of what I did with tax cases at LJB.  It should be at least marginally interesting, and at least it’s not a secretarial or sales position.  The starting pay is pretty good and apparently people get promoted so frequently that they’ve made a rule that you have to stay in the same unit for 18 months unless they initiate something.  If nothing else, it’s something while I look for something.  April is prime time for new-grad oriented jobs to pop up, so I’ll still browse the job ads, but it’s nice to know that I have something to fall back on.  98 days was 98 days too long 🙂

PS:  The offer is still conditional pending a drug test, so keep your fingers crossed for me EK 😛

PPS: You know what’s really weird?  My first interview (after the phone screen) was March 14.  It snowed.  My second interview was March 25.  It snowed.  I got the job offer today, March 30.  This morning, it snowed…..

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No Going Back

In my desperation for a job, I applied to work at the movie theater again.  I could have just walked in and asked for a job, but the company had been bought out and my favorite managers had either quit or been relocated.  The one manager I did still know was not exactly my biggest fan. We joked and got along publicly, but I think she resented the fact that it had taken her years to be promoted to a shift leader, while, within a year of starting, I was promised the position as soon as I turned 18 and was legally old enough to have it.

Anyway, this was weeks ago and I’d forgotten about it until I received a voicemail from the new hiring manager late last week.  I didn’t return the call.  I got another voicemail from him a few minutes ago.  I don’t think I’ll be returning this one either, though I’m soooo tempted.  For one thing, I know I’d get the job, because I’ve done the job before, and done it well.  But….I just can’t.  The pay would just barely be enough to get by.  I’d have trouble paying back my student loans early (I might even have issues paying them on time). And the job would be at the same theater I left.  It might be different if it was a theater in STL where I didn’t know some of the shift leaders and floor staff.  I’d feel like a failure if I left the theater, went to NY, got a degree, moved back home, and went back to the exact same job that I had before I left.  What was the point of getting my degree then?  Even if I get an office job, at least I can justify that I’m learning skills I didn’t know before and have a new opportunity to move up.  How could I justify going back to do a job I already know inside and out?

Guilty by Association

I’ve never understood the people who let the actions of others define what they do in their own lives.  I was chatting with one of my friends and somehow hockey came up and all of a sudden she was like “I don’t understand how you can still like Rangers hockey when M was the one who introduced you to it.  I mean, you even went to a game with him.”  My first thought was ‘Why wouldn’t I?’  I love hockey.  Why would I quit watching just because I’m no longer talking to the guy who first explained the rules to me?  That seems tres stupid.


I suppose it’s easy for me to say that because I don’t have any bad emotional feelings when it comes to M.  I’m not angry with him for acting like a creep and a jerk, and, on the flip side, I’m certainly not waiting for his next text/email.  I’ve pretty much completely detached.  If I never hear from him again, it wouldn’t make much difference (though it would be a tad awkward if I ever go visit people at LJB…..).  I’m sure some people are thinking “of course you’ve detached, you weren’t the one whose romantic dreams were crushed,” but just because I wasn’t the one futilely pursuing unrequited love (while married, in case anyone forgot that part….) doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by the fallout.  For two months, I thought he would take a hint and back off in order to save the friendship, because I thought it meant something to him.  But, apparently sleeping with me meant more than the friendship, and he didn’t want to have a civilized relationship if there wasn’t something more in it for him.  I used to be all “Sure, girls and guys can be friends without either wanting more,” but M’s definitely jaded me when it comes to that.  I still think it’s possible…..but much more rare than I thought before.


Well, enough of that.  The purpose of this post was not to rant about M.  I’ve done that plenty already lol.  Idk, I suppose it just struck me as completely idiotic to feel like you have to get rid of everything in your life which has a connection to someone who hurt you, regardless of whether you love that thing or not.  In my opinion, that’s just a recipe for permanent resentment because every time you see something related to the thing you gave up, you’re going to remember the person you gave it up for and everything they did to you.  You’ll never get over it.  Isn’t it healthier to continue enjoying the thing you love regardless?  Gradually, life will move on and the association will disappear.  Eventually, you probably won’t even remember there was an association at all.


One of my mom’s friends has two kids, aged 6 and 2.  I used to babysit for the oldest when she was a baby, and since I’ve moved back I’ve babysat twice–yesterday being the second time.  Babysitting is easy, untaxed money.  I got paid $60 for 5 hours yesterday, and the kids watched a movie for almost 2 of those hours (their parents promised them….who was I to say no….) and were asleep for another 45 minutes. But even with that cash incentive…..I hate babysitting.

Well, let me qualify that.  I hate babysitting….for kids who are over the age of 5.  For those of you who aren’t exposed to little children very often, 5 is when they start actually thinking for themselves.  Kids under 5 are easily entertained and easy to play with.  You can do puzzles or play with any of their toys or read books or play Chutes and Ladders, etc, and they don’t much care.  They’re just happy to be playing anything.  Even if the kid puts up a fight, they’re easily distracted and will soon be doing what you want them to do.  Kids over 5….not so much.  They have very ingrained preferences.  They want to do what they want to do, and screw what you want to do.  Obviously some kids are easier to watch than others, but they’re all going through this independence phase.  Great for their development.  Potentially very annoying if you’re a babysitter who doesn’t know the kids that well.

And if this particular case, when you add in some nutjob (imo) parenting, it’s just all downhill.  Mom’s friends aren’t bad parents, but some of their rules seem way too strict or obsessive for me, and it’s made their daughter (the 6 year old) into a very anxious, very bossy, very self-centered little girl.  See, as soon as she was old enough to comprehend letters, they implemented a routine for her schoolwork.  Instead of being able to watch a little Blues Clues or something before bed, she had to read.  And she had to get it just right.  She had to be the best.  Anything less was not good enough.

Sample rules:

1. As little added sugar as possible (this means no dessert)

2. No TV unless permission is specifically given.  Even then, only “wholesome” shows.  Nothing on cable.  Even when she was less than a year old, Baby Einstein was the only show she was exposed to (But apparently Barbie counts as “wholesome”…..who knew….?)

3.  When getting ready for bed, you must get in PJs, brush teeth, read books, go to the bathroom, turn on your nightlight and music, and then get in bed.  Any attempt to rearrange this (say…books before teeth) is anxiety attack provoking.

4. Many, many others I can’t think of off the top of my head.

If you try to deviate from the rules/routine, it freaks her out.  Last night I had been told that the kids could watch movies from 6-8 (I started watching them at 4).  The kids had also been told the same thing and were obsessively checking the clocks for two hours to see if it was 6 yet.  Heaven forbid they start early or late.  I had actually managed to distract them by playing one of their sing-a-long CDs, but when the girl saw that it was 6:07, I thought she was going to have a panic attack…..

To her credit, she was much less bossy towards her younger brother than the last time I was there (she was still bossy, but it was a major improvement for her), but I can’t help but wonder what her future will look like.  Even her mother admits that she doesn’t have any friends because she’s too bossy and uptight.  Kids like her are what will keep therapists in business, but it’s sad that at least part of the reason she’s like this is her parents’ overemphasis on rules and schedules.   I mean, if they had just chilled, so would she.

Spring? What is this “Spring” you speak of?

If I asked you when you thought the above picture was taken, what would you say?


If you picked any time in-between November and early March, you’d be wrong.  If you picked March 26, you’d be spot on….. Don’t get me wrong, the snow is gorgeous.  I’d absolutely love it…..if it was January……


I only resumed studying Japanese about a week ago, after a 3 year hiatus, but it’s already affecting my Russian.  The logical conclusion would be that because of my newfound enthusiasm for Japanese, I’m spending more time on Japanese and less on Russian.  Surprisingly, that’s not the case at all.  For every minute I spend on Japanese, I actually feel guilty if I don’t spend a minute on Russian.  Even though I know that I’m much more advanced in Russian, and therefore the topics I’m studying are more difficult than the basics I’m reviewing in Japanese, I can’t shake the twinge of guilt.  Sigh.  I knew I was competitive externally, but I never realized that I’m so internally competitive too.  Annoying.  But, then again, this might be the jump start I need to get off the Russian plateau I’ve hit.