Uncontrollable

You can’t control who or what you love.  Love doesn’t come from your head, it comes from your heart, and that damn organ rarely seems to have any sense whatsoever.  I think one of the reasons so many people are unhappy in their relationships/lives is that they try to force emotions, like love, that don’t exist.

 

I don’t usually write about love, because I haven’t ever actually been in love with a person and I’m not obsessed with the emotion, but love comes in platonic forms as well, and we all have experience with that.  I’ll start with non-platonic love, since it was thinking about Marc that prompted this post.  I haven’t talked to him since sometime in the middle of April, believe it or not.  But I’m forced to think about him at least in passing every day because the guy in the cubicle next to me at my current job is also named Mark.  Even though they’re two completely different people in two completely different places, the name obviously stirs up my subconscious.  I don’t regret not talking to him.  I don’t want to.  Don’t know if I ever will.  But, it’s still kind of sad how things went down.  Especially when I put so much effort in during January and February to keep it from happening.

 

See, I’d known for a while that he had a thing for me.  He thought he was keeping it hidden, but, like most guys, he was way too obvious.   First I tried to subtly disuade him, but that did nothing.  Actually, that’s a lie.  It did something.  The opposite of what it was supposed to do.  Apparently since I hadn’t shut him down point blank, he took it as his cue that I was into him too.  Then I made a fatal mistake: I tried to force myself to feel the same.

 

I can be a bitch, but not for no reason.  Marc was my bff, I didn’t want to hurt him.  We had so many common interests and could chat and laugh for hours.  In my mind, the only problem — bear in mind, this is before I realized how deep his insecurity and manipulations went– was that I wasn’t physically attracted to him.  (Oh, and there was that little thing about him being married too, but that’s kind of beside the point….).  I felt so shallow and so guilty and tried to convince myself that I could get over it.  I kept the tone the same in the texts because I didn’t want to give him too much hope when I was still wrestling with myself, but internally I was really struggling.  I kept telling myself that I should feel the same, that aside from shallowness, I had no reason not to.  I even seriously considered sleeping with him whenever I went back to NY just because I knew he wanted to (side note: *shudder*).  But no matter how hard I tried to fall for him, I never did.  Because you can’t force that stuff.  I wish I’d realized that right at the very beginning.  Maybe if I’d been more direct in January, we wouldn’t have fallen apart in March/April.

 

But like I said at the beginning, this post isn’t just about romantic love.  Platonic love can be just as irrational.  Take me and my cat.  He’s my baby.  I love him.  I shouldn’t, because he was quite vicious when he was younger, and that side still comes out now and again, but I do.  I justify his behavior by stating (correctly, of course lol) that it’s not his fault he was an abandoned bottle baby without a mom to discipline him.  I spoil him with treats and toys and anything he could ever want.  My parents don’t understand it.  Frankly, neither do I.

 

But I also have another, quite irrational, love.  St. Louis.  It’s odd….. I’ve lived in southern IL most of my life, but I rarely went into St. Louis before I graduated college and moved back.  Even now, I only go to a few places.  Most of it is ghetto, after all.  But whenever I catch a glimpse of the STL skyline or the Arch or Busch Stadium, I’m just filled with this indescribable, irrational love.  I love this city.  This city which I rarely go into.  This city where I don’t want to live again after the next time I move away.  This small, dying city which is one of the most dangerous in the country.  My love for it completely defies logic, but then, most love does.

 

I’m not saying that you can’t fall in love with something.  I’m not saying that you’ll never love something that you don’t love right now.  I’m just saying that you can’t force yourself to love or not to love, and trying to force it is just painful.  Even when you force yourself to move on from someone, your heart doesn’t stop loving them until it’s good and ready.  And when your heart moves on before your head wants it to….well, you can’t force it to turn back either.

 

There’s a quote that says: “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”  I think there’s a lot of truth in that, especially when it comes to love.  You can plan all you want, but that doesn’t mean your heart will listen.  If more people accepted that, maybe more people would be more happy.  Instead of trying to force yourself to love a “perfect” life that you’ve created in your mind, just go with the flow, and let the truly perfect life come to you.

 

And that’s my philosophical piece for the month 😉

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One Response to “Uncontrollable”

  1. kive87 Says:

    Great post! “Love”-ed it muahaha


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