Despite my earlier post about not really believing in New Year’s Resolutions, there is one major thing I’d like to change about myself: I’m too serious. Too driven to do what I think I should do, even if it’s not necessarily what I want to do. And then if I do what I want to do, I feel guilty about it later.
Take yesterday. I really wanted to either catch up on either House or A Game of Thrones. But the weather was gorgeous, and I kept telling myself that what I ought to do was take a walk in Forest Park, because it would be a good way to get extra exercise, and it would be a shame to let a great day go to waste. But…I didn’t want to go (not least because Forest Park is not Central Park. Had I been in NY, I would have been on the subway heading to the Park in a NY second). I literally wrestled with myself for a good hour…stalling, pretending I had other things to do, etc…before I finally admitted to myself that just because it would be good to get some more fresh air and enjoy the day (I’d already taken Albert outside for about 20 minutes) there was no point in forcing myself to and no point in feeling guilty about it. Screw the nice day, my mind shouted, there’s nothing wrong with doing something less healthy and less productive if it makes you happy. So I spent the afternoon and evening watching A Game of Thrones and hockey, and was soooo happy that I did. I didn’t even do any Japanese.
People always say you need to learn to say no to other people if you can’t handle (or don’t want to handle) what they’re asking, but what I need to do this year is learn to say no to myself from time to time. My internal drive has served me well in the past and will serve me well in the future, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being completely unproductive from time to time. In fact, letting my mind rest and recuperate could actually end up being a very good thing 🙂